


heaven and hell are keeping them apart

by one_more_offbeat_anthem



Series: offbeat's destiel drabbles :) [4]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alcohol, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angry Kissing, Angst, Canonical Character Death, Castiel in Heaven (Supernatural), Character Death, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Kiss, Grief/Mourning, Hospitalization, Hurt/Comfort, Love Confessions, Michael Possessing Dean Winchester, Praying Dean Winchester, Praying to Castiel (Supernatural), Regrets
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-28
Updated: 2020-09-19
Packaged: 2021-03-06 14:41:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 2,152
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26150563
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/one_more_offbeat_anthem/pseuds/one_more_offbeat_anthem
Summary: a collection of drabbles originally shared to my tumblr. based on my destiel playlist (entitled "heaven and hell are keeping them apart" on spotify). getting tagged as more stuff is added.all of these are rlly short because they were written in the length of the song!
Relationships: Castiel & Dean Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester
Series: offbeat's destiel drabbles :) [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2089983
Comments: 9
Kudos: 24





	1. drugs & candy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> song: "drugs and candy" by all time low

_**“The sweetness of you on my tongue, I breathed you in, you filled my lungs, a bitter taste, surrender waste, another weakness.”** _

“why don’t you just tell him?” sam asks.

dean runs his hands through his hair. now isn’t a great time for sam to ask him about it.

what his brother doesn’t know is that he’s gotten _so close_ to telling cas so many times. he’ll find himself standing in front of the bathroom door, hand poised to knock, before he leaves. 

if he tells cas, cas will leave him, and it’ll hurt like hell, and it would be better to have him here still and not know than to have him leave because he knows and doesn’t feel the same.

what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him.

it hurts dean, though, cuts him to the bone, and there’s been so many times, and there might not be anymore time after this.....

that’s how it always goes, isn’t it? always an inch away from death for each other?

it sounds about right.

dean cocks his gun, “i just don’t wanna have to give him up.”


	2. alone together

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> song: "alone together" by fall out boy

_**“I don't know where you're going, but do you got room for one more troubled soul? I don't know where I'm going, but I don't think I'm coming home.”  
** _

“last night on earth, huh?” 

dean turned towards cas, “we’ve been at the end of the line before. we’ve always made it out.”

cas paused, tilting his head, “have you ever considered what might happen if we....don’t make it?”

“i try not to. find it more depressing than it’s worth.”

“dean, be realistic.”

“i _am_ being realistic. if i die, at least it’ll be with you and sammy.”

“i wish we had more time.”

“don’t we all?” dean tried to keep his voice light.

later, though, with sam fast asleep in the other bed he preemptively claimed, and dean and cas sharing, dean wanted to be held.

he didn’t have to ask. cas knew exactly what what dean needed.

he always had, hadn’t he?


	3. high definition

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> song: "high definition" by waterparks

_**“I need to feel needed and I need it more than I let on...I'll be home, just thinking about it, maybe call like I used to.”** _

it doesn’t matter, does it, that he’s sad or angry or whatever. because he’s always like that, isn’t it he? even for the moments where he pulls a smile for everyone else’s benefit, at the end of the day, he’s just a shadow. an insignificant, replaceable shadow, and he feels so goddamn _alone._

not that dean will admit it.

what’s he supposed to say? _as per usual, I screwed up and pushed everyone away, and now I'm dealing with the consequences._

why no one had left him by the side of the road yet was a wonder. maybe it’s because he was usually driving the car, like he was right now. he had told sam that he needed to go on a drive, take the impala out, clear his head.

but his head doesn’t feel clear.

it feels like it’s ringing with noise and the fist that keeps clenching around his chest. he should have been left in hell.

“don’t think things like that about yourself.”

dean glances over at cas, who’s suddenly appeared in the passenger’s seat. of course the angel was reading his mind.

“cas.”

“I always come when you call.”


	4. suspension

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> song: "suspension" by new politics

_**“You keep me from my darkest sides, and my new love, I hang on to your halo.”  
** _

they’re arguing, but they’re not sure what about, or whose fault it’s supposed to be this time. who made a deal, who left without leaving a note, who got suddenly pissed off?

what dean knows is that every time he gets mad at cas, he can’t stay mad long. even when he struggles with forgiving himself, he’ll forgive that angel, his angel, until the end of time. 

finally, worn out, dean collapses onto the crappy motel bed, runs his hands through his hair, feels his wet face. what is he supposed to say?

something he should have said long ago.

“I'm sorry, cas. I just get so...angry all the time.”

cas sits next to him, “why?”

“don’t wanna lose you.”

“you’ll never have to.”

it’s a promise, an oath, and it’s one the angel seals with a kiss.


	5. i'll be gone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> song: "i'll be gone" by linkin park  
> set in that one bit of the show where sam was gone and cas went to try and save him

**_“this in between us is getting thinner now, into winter now, bitter sweet...across that horizon this sun is setting down, you're forgetting now, it's time you let me go, let me go....”_ **

he can’t be gone.

dean can’t be _here_ , alone.

here. alone. 

there’s never been a “by himself.” he’s just always...been here, with sam, and with cas, and now he’s alone, and he’s wondering what he could have done or said differently, when there was time.

now he’s on an eternal clock, where it doesn’t matter how many monsters he kills or people he saves--there’s always gonna be a ghost, a shadow, a spark of loneliness.

he loved them both--no, loves them both _so damn much_. 

in different ways, of course. _of course_. 

when does it end, he wonders? when will death stick?

(will he finally get to rest?)


	6. i just wanna run

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> song: "i just wanna run" by the downtown fiction

_**“i just wanna run, i'm out here all alone, i tried to call your house, can't reach you on the phone.”  
** _

_“_ heybuddy, i hope you have your ears on...” dean sighed, shaking his head, “....i....nothing’s wrong. there’s just....”

he took a deep breath, reminding himself why he was doing this. cas was _busy,_ but sam had wheedled him down enough, convinced him that he needed to tell cas this before they got into another life-threatening situation. he knew he couldn’t do it in person, so....

lying on his bed, in the bunker, staring at the ceiling, talking to an angel who wasn’t there.

“i guess......on the last hunt, i was scared? i know i told you i wasn’t, and you saw right through me, but i hate admitting that things scare me....you know, live fast, die young, and all that bullcrap. but, uh....even though you could heal yourself, i was thinking, couldn’t help but think, about when you were human for a while?”

another pause, another deep breath, before he could continue, 

“and i guess...i can’t lose you, buddy. you’re too important. to me. i mean, in general, you’re important, but to me especially...” 

dean rolled over, slamming his face into his pillow.

god, he hoped cas wasn’t listening as he mumbled into his pillow, “and cas, i--i gotta say it.....i--”

“i already know, dean.”

dean rolled over, stared at the standing form of cas, “i have to say it, in case i can't say it again.”

“you love me?”

dean grinned, “yes, cas. i love you.”


	7. i don't know what to say

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> song: "i don't know what to say" by bring me the horizon

_**“a doppelganger with a telling scar, i saw the universe hidden in your heart....wish I told you this before it got too dark. where do you start when you know it has to end?”** _

“i always heard what you never said. and i understand why you couldn’t say it. but why not now? we won’t get tomorrow.” cas’s eyes are full of an icy blue fire, too hot for dean to touch.

“because it’s all going to get taken away, and then whatever i say won’t mean shit, because we’ll all be dead, and then what? dammit, cas, i....”

“wouldn’t you rather be happy at the end than sad?”

“i've never gotten to be happy. why start now?”

“why _not_ start now?” 

cas crosses the room, pulls dean’s face roughly to his. there are a million scenarios that dean has imagined over the years but none of them are like this, all teeth and heat. cas is angry, and it’s a righteous anger, it’s deserved.

(they could have had so much more time.)


	8. just one yesterday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> song: "just one yesterday" by fall out boy

_**“if heaven's grief brings hell's rain, then i'd trade all my tomorrows for just one yesterday.”** _

_“_ ifit makes you feel any better....” sam’s voice trailed off as they both stared at dean’s unconscious form, “the last thing he said before he went under was asking if you were okay.”

“well....” cas shrugged, “saying i'm okay would be...an untruth.” he let out a slow, stabilizing breath, “if i had been with you on this hunt....”

“you had stuff to attend to upstairs. dean doesn’t blame you.”

“but he _does_. he--” cas shakes his head, “now is not the time to talk about this.”

“what do you mean?” 

cas didn’t answer. instead, he stared at the hospital bed. 

unconscious was the only way dean looked peaceful.


	9. we don't have to dance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> song: "we don't have to dance" by andy black

_**“you're never gonna get it, i'm a hazard to myself. i'll break it to you easy: this is hell, this is hell.”** _

dean slammed his empty beer bottle onto the war room table so hard that there was a sickening cracking noise. he ignored it and threw himself into one of the chairs, leaning his head back and staring at the ceiling. 

“hey,” a soft voice from the doorway said, “you should get some rest.”

dean lolled his head over to glance at cas, “i'll be fine. i'm getting--” he waved a hand vaguely, “my second wind. yeah.”

“i know that’s not how it works.” cas walked across the room to the table, sitting across from dean, “what’s bothering you?”

“better question would be what’s not bothering me. i'm the family screw-up, and you’ll never....” a cough, further slamming of the bottle, “you’ll never forgive me. it’s not worth it to be me again.”

“you think i'm going to hold michael against you forever?”

“seems like you might.”

“don’t get me wrong, dean, i'm mad. i'm mad that you let him in, didn’t tell any of us, tortured yourself. but that pales in comparison to being able to look in your eyes and see _you_ again instead of him.”

“but i was him, in some ways.”

“not in the ways that count.” cas smiled at him, a small smile, but it was _enough_.

dean stopped slamming the beer bottle into the table.


	10. halfway sober

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> song: "halfway sober" by anarbor

_**“just look into my eyes, they'll never lie to you.”**   
_

“dean.”

dean glanced up at the angel standing next to the crappy motel bed he had claimed and was now seated on, “what?”

“just go to sleep, okay?”

dean rolled his eyes, patted the space on the bed beside him, “cas, sit down.”

cas obliged.

“look....” dean ran a hand through his hair, “i can’t sleep with this on my mind. i’m sorry that i....” he sighed, “that i got upset earlier. i just don’t want you putting yourself in more danger than you have to.”

“because if i get hurt, i could become useless?” there’s a serrated edge to cas’s words.

“no, because if you get hurt then you’re _hurt_ , dumbass,” dean felt his voice catch, “look, dude, i care about you too much to let you get injured or killed or some shit.”

“well, without me, you’re more likely to get hurt,” cas pointed out, “how do you think that makes me feel?”

dean shrugged lamely, “not great?”

“that’s one way to put it.” cas stared off into space.

dean reached his hand over what felt like a chasm but was really only a few inches to take cas’s hand, “then we’ll fight together.”


	11. powerless

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> song: "powerless" by linkin park

_**“i watched you fall apart and chased you to the end, i'm left with emptiness that words can not defend.”** _

cas is back, and that’s supposed to be a win, it’s supposed to be _dean’s win_ , but as he tries to fall asleep, his chest feels strangled, like it’s swallowing itself but getting caught on the thick knot of emotion contained in it.

he’s glad to have cas back, beyond happy, but he wishes he had never had to lose him first. he wants cas here, now, so that he can prove to himself that he’s solid, and that he’ll be here still when dean wakes up in the morning. (or later today--it’s past midnight.)

there’s a knock on his door.

“come in,” dean calls wearily, sitting up. in the doorway is cas, looking at his hands awkwardly. “what’s up?” dean asks.

“you seemed....” cas sighs, “distressed. i know you don’t like me reading your--”

“cas, buddy. c’mere.” dean gestured to the bed next to him, “let’s talk.”

cas does, but it’s hesitant.

“what’s wrong?” dean asks.

“you’re upset.” cas pierces him with those damn blue eyes, “is it because i’m back?”

“why the hell would i be upset that you’re back? no, i’m upset that you ever had to leave. i--” dean doesn’t think, just turns and hugs cas, burying his head in the angel’s shoulder, “having you gone messed me up, y’know? i wasn’t the same. dunno if i’ll ever be the same.”

he feels a hand on his back, tightening in the hug and then a gentle kiss pressed to his hairline, and then a whisper from cas, “I'm here now. and i won’t leave.”


End file.
